If God Has Forsaken Me

Jaman-jaman pengangguran, seperti yang Mam Indri sudah bilang, waktu kami2 ini yang sedang liburan menanti kuliah, akan paling banyak dihabiskan dengan menonton.
atas dasar itulah, gw nonton banyaak film dan movie series kyk Grey's Anatomy, Bunheads, Law & Order SVU, film2 nya Leonardo DiCaprio, dan tak terkecuali Anime.
Di liburan ini gw nemu anime yang baguuus banget. Namanya Black Butler, atau Bahasa Jepangnya : Kuroshitsuji.
Anime ini sebenernya udah lama, sekitar tahun 2010 apa ya, dan gw baru tau sekarang. Padahal waktu SMP kelompok gw pernah presentasi agama tentang "Dosa", dan temen gw muterin cuplikan video dari anime ini. memang alur ceritanya berkaitan sih sama dosa.

Gw tidak terlalu mahir untuk menceritakan sinopsis, tapi kira-kira gini cerita singkatnya :

Namanya Ciel Phantomhive, usianya 13 tahun, latar ceritanya itu di London, Inggris, sekitar tahun 1800 sekian. Dia itu anak satu2nya, dan keluarga Phantomhive ini disebut "Queen's Guard Dog" karena melaksanan tugas2 gelap dibawah pemerintahan Queen Victoria. Suatu hari, mansion Phantomhive ini dibakar sama orang yang pingin musnahin keluarga Phantomhive, dan cuma Ciel yang masih hidup, padahal itu di hari ulang tahun dia. Entah gimana, karena udah ngga punya siapa-siapa dan apa-apa lagi, Ciel diincar sama banyak orang, dan dikasih cap di bagian punggungnya yang nandain kalo dia itu budak, dan dijadiin persembahan para pengikut2 agama ngga jelas yang mau manggil Iblis, dan itu caranya kejaam bgt.

Saat sekarat itulah, Ciel bikin kontrak sama Iblis tsb. Sebagai gantinya, kalo keinginan Ciel Phantomhive udah tersalurkan, jiwa dia bakal diambil sama si Iblis itu, alias ngga bisa ke surga sana, namanya Sebastian Michaelis. Keinginan Ciel itu, dia pingin membalas dendam sama orang-orang yang udah ngincer nyawa dia. Bukan demi orang tuanya yang udah meninggal, tapi demi dia sendiri.

Yang gw kagum dari cerita ini, bisa bikin anak kecil umur 13 yang dulunya ceria, polos, manja dan pemalu berubah 180 derajat jadi kejam seukuran pembunuh. Dia udah jadi kepala keluarga "Phantomhive" di umur segitu, terima perintah dari Ratu Inggris buat nyelesain kasus di sekitar Inggris meskipun dibantu sama Sebastian, iblis sekaligus butlernya (contohnya : kasus Jack the Ripper) . Dia ngga ngeluh dan pasrah sama keadaan, tapi tetep maju kedepan dan fighting meskipun dengan cara yang salah. Sebastian, si butlernya itu sebenernya perfect, kuat, dan bisa apaa aja, tapi itu semua ada tujuan tertentunya. Dia kayak begitu buat ngedapetin jiwanya Ciel. Namanya juga Iblis.

My Top 5 Quotes from Ciel :

" Pain tends to heal as time passes, but personally, I don’t want to heal my wounds. You may think you’ve escaped the pain and forgotten it, but that’s nothing more than stagnation. You can’t move forward without the pain."

"When something is truly lost, one can never get it back again" 

" Only two kinds of people exist in this world: those who steal…and those who are stolen from. So then, today I just stole your future. That's all."

"I am a human being, Sebastian. Do not-arrogant people exist?"

"I ... humiliated as a pet ... my house was burn, my family was killed. I was such a ... powerless kid. Therefore, I returned to this place in order to make those people who put me through such fate taste the same humiliation. The successors of the generations killed tree years prior would come to me as long as I am the head of the Phantomhive family that stands in their way. I'm waiting ... for them to come and try to kill me here"

Anime ini pertama-tama diambil dari manganya, dan dijadiin drama musikal juga lho :D
Gw sukaa banget sama soundtracksnya, dan ada beberapa yang pake bahasa latin. Berkat Anime ini juga, gw jadi tau beberapa lagu klasik kayak "Tom the Piper's Son" dan "London Bridge is Falling Down"
nah gw mau kasih liat lirik lagu yang menurut gw agak miris maknanya, judulnya "Si Deus Me Relinquit" yang artinya sesuai judul post ini.

Kayak gini liriknya :

Versi Latin :                                                      Versi Inggris :

Si deus me relinquit, Ego deum relinquo.	If God has forsaken me, Then I shall forsake God, too.
Solus oppressus nigram clavem habere potest	Only the oppressed may possess a black key
Omnias ianuas praecludo, Sic omnias precationes obsigno	I close all doors, Thus I seal away all prayers
Sed, Qui me defendet Ab me terribilissimo ipse?	However, Who protects me From the me who is most terrible ?

dan satu lagi, intronya "The Dark Crow Smiles"

Agnus Dei
Qui tollis peccata mundi
Qui pius protho plaustisanet ut actus
Misere nobis

artinya :

Lamb of God
You who take away the sins of the world;
You who is holy and accomplished
Have mercy on us

using Christian Prayer for Demon theme song, haha :) 

dan ada versi kalo kedua lagu ini digabungin, judulnya "Nigram Clavem" yang artinya "The Black Key"

Entering Time Machine

A letter for my 23 years old version. 

Dear me,

Hello! congrats you can still have a breath at the age of 23!

Well, actually I have no idea to write a letter for my 5 years after version, and, you know, I’M KINDA NERVOUS, EVEN I AM JUST WRITING A LETTER FOR MY OWN SELF.

..But I have a dream right now, and I hope ‘you’ already make a big step for our dream.

I have an imagination that you will look like, well. Still have a less expression, hahaha. That’s ok, that’s our mark . high five!

And... you will wear a lot of make up than me, to make your appearance better in front of your client. Your hair will not as messy as I am now. Mind to have some tattoo or pierce maybe? Hahaha I don’t think so. But it’s up to you if you want to. Actually, I wanna have that! let’s wait until you have a career, ok. Ah, and try to dye your hair, pleasee

You have been through a lot of things. I know.  Maybe you lose someone you love, get a failure in some job, celebrate many happy things,  maybe you drink alcohol, get drunk,  smoke, sleepless for a long time to give the best damn work in your career, receive at least 1 award wkwk, have to save a lot of money to buy a movie maker tools, cry in bathroom for a long time, laugh together with people you love, that’s okay. You are still great. 

Why I say that you are still great? Because... you are not only experience a bad things now, you have been through a lot even when you are still a little, when you are even can’t do anything to help your situation. that’s why I know that you still can stand. Because you are a grown up now.

But please don’t destroy yourself too long. You are too precious for that.

Ah, Have you find somebody you really love as your partner of life? :p

Please tell me that you already can drive a car easily, because right now I am still learning but it’s too hard, you know, -__-

 And if someone insult you, keep your head high. Your life is way too short to hear a negative things. But don’t fly too high when you got a compliment, still do your best everytime. Okay?  Stand by yourself even when anybody do that for you. Do everything that you think that’s right, as long as you don’t harm anybody, like your mother said.

Forgive people who already messed up  with you. I knew that because right now I just can forget but not forgiving someone yet. I think forgiving someone will make your life easier to go on.

Find some hobby that make you love yourself more.

Try some lottery, and join quiz!

Don’t forget to provide your savings account.

and don't forget to go to Church. :p

Do some dumb or crazy things with your friends like when you were in dormitory \o/
Attend many workshops to meet more inspiring people. 

Keep in touch with your senior high school friends! 

I can imagine that know you can depend on your own self, you can make your own money from your own hand now. Rite? You must be so proud of yourself, because that was what you want from a little.

Remember when you imagined people you loved sitting around you at the elegant restaurant and you are the one who paid for the bill? I hope you make that real now.

Remember when you wondering to buy your own room furnitures and a motorcycle? Congrats if you already can afford that!

Remember that when friends around you already went to another country and you haven’t so you hope that one day you can take your family to a foreign country for holiday with your own money :D I hope that that place is Japan, because I love Anime, but that just too expensive hahaha it’s okay if you haven’t.  Save your money to go there!

In your deep heart, you already have a list of people who already misunderstood you in the past and you want to show them and prove them that they were absolutely wrong. Yeah here we go!

Remember what kind of struggle it would be when you entering communication visual design and you are afraid because you know that a lot of people already did better than you. But because you love drawing and love to make some movies, and you have a dream that you wanna make money from your passion, you will work hard for that.

Remember when you can’t wait to work at movie production? Well, because I don’t know how that feels now. Can you tell me? I hope you already been for that :D All I know that It will be a long, tired, and so many brain storm process, but when you see the result, just one word : amazing! 

Remember when you hope you can play at least one classic music instrumental? Not only the traditional music that you learnt from elementary school until senior hogh school? How’s that? Haha.

Remember when I used to listening all of the Coldplay, Aqualung, Of Monsters and Men, One Republic when I’m down? What’s your playlist now?

I know that right now you are working in some office, well I hope that the place wasn’t in Jakarta, but if you working there, it’s okaay. You still have enough time to have so many experiences. All that really matter is  “You already find a job that make you love Monday, right?”

Well...maybe there was a time when you will miss the 18,17,16,15,14,until the time when I was born version of myself. When you meet a lot of people who mean to you, when you just too tired to work really hard just for a money, when you get tempered by people at your office (or boss, maybe?)  While right now, I am wondering to be in your position..

But time will not stop just to let us stuck in the past or future moment. Life must go on. You have to do what in front of you right now. So do I.

Here’s my note for you : Don’t get prampered by comfort zone, you are too young to choose sit in your comfortable place rather than exploring. “People =  the student of life” Remember?

Well, life can be sooo different than what I've expected, but that's fine :D as long as you remember my note. 

..You probably think right now : “My 18 years old version is sooo bad at grammar -__-”

Then fix it, okaayy? At least I’m trying lol

Do you wonder what your 18 years old version of yourself doin’ right now?

Lying on her bed, put her chin on a pillow, let her 10 fingers moving, thinkin’ about you J

After that, she have a plan to watch Grey’s Anatomy and reading manga, hahahaha that series is just so cool.

Dear me, I want to see you, and say outloud "I'm proud of you!!" :D

Sincerely,

Your 18 years old version

Serpong, Tangerang 5 Agustus 2013.

Check for other's version too!

Laras's ( Prasetya Mulya, Faculty of Business)

www.angelicalaras.blogspot.com

Rere's  ( Universitas Udayana, Faculty of Communication)

www.cheersforfries.blogspot.com

Ashya's ( Singapore Institute of Management, Faculty of Accounting)

www.sarasnandiash.blogspot.com

Asti's  ( Universitas Indonesia, Faculty of International Communication)

www.gabriellaharsanti.blogspot.com

Short Confession.

Hahahahahahahahahahahaha bentar yaa gw ngakak dulu... :))

Soo..yap.

He loves to play basketball, a tall person, clever, and kind.
I knew him from elementary school, both of us in the same school.
gw ingeet jaman waktu kelas 11 dan ada tes Ujian Kenaikan Kelas, gw simpen foto dia pas lagi main basket biar semangat belajarnya. HAHAHA itu agak bego. Gw tau, gw tau -___-
gw inget gw kasih liat ke Rere foto2 dia pas muncul di news feed fb.
gw inget jaman gw SMP gw pernah girang dapet undian tempat duduk bareng sebelahan dan pernah satu kelompok presentasiin materi absurd "madu" wkwkwk
gw inget pas sama2 jadi candle ultah temen, kita udah beda sekolah di SMA dan kita sapa2an, seneng bangeet :) tp misah waktu ada kembang api di outdoor, dan dia udah harus ke pesta lain hahaha.

yang pastinya dia gak bakal inget sih. :)
..and suddenly, I think I need to tell him my true feeling.
Just to let him know, not to let him give the answer (BIG NO! haha -_-)

Because we will (of course) never getting together, I will enter my college, I have to say bye-bye for my teenage time in a moment.
And I feel like, what have I done for the past 4 years? love the same guy all the time -__-
meskipun, yaa. untuk ngelupain pun perlu waktu juga,
Sebenernya nggak genap 4 tahun juga sih, ada masanya dimana gw biasa aja dan lebih fokus sama kegiatan di sekolah (ya jelas kalo ini mah hahaha), dan pernah ngerasa sama seseorang waktu di Jogja, tapi dalam jangka waktu yang singkat, mungkin karena kenalnya nggak lama kali yaa.
Istilahnya gw perlu move on gitulahh.
Lagian yaelah, gw masih umur 18 tahun, gw pingin di masa depan nanti ada masa dimana gw flashback dan keinget "wah dulu gw pernah bilang suka ke ini orang hahaa yaampun"

call me crazy or what, so I just told my crush that I love him for at least 4 years.

yaampun buat ngumpulin keberanian itu lamaaa banget.
karena gw gak mungkin ketemu dia, gw tunggu dia online di facebook. kadang dia online, tapi nyali gw pas lagi ciutt banget. kadang gwnya udah berani pingin ngomong eh dianya off hahaha
akhirnya hari ini, gw bisa chat sama dia \o/
So I told him.
and at first, I feel like goin' crazy. dalem hati :
"ANJER GW BARU AJA KASIH TAU DIA KOK GW BEGO AMAT YAA NGAPAIN KASIH TAU TERUS GIMANA INI ADOOOH GW NYESEEELLL"
Trus gw ngeline Laras sambil emot nangis2 (dalam keadaan dia belom tau apa2) hahaha oon banget dah
unpredictably, he was really surprised, I thought he already knew that.
But thankyou, really.
thank you so much.
For your gentle and wise reaction. I really appreciate that.
Dia sangat memaklumi (meskipun kaget banget) dan tetep jadi dia yang apa adanya.
Trus dia nanya,

"kenapa lo baru kasih tau sekarangg..?"

Heh, dipikir ngasi tau kyk gitu gampangg hahaha :))

That's why I choose you. I choose to tell you.
I keep our chat in my folder, so a years later, I will open it again and give that screen a smile.
And I think..... 4 years is not really a waste of time for loving you. Even only in my side.
Sad ending? Not really...  called it a "sad ending" when at the end, He didn't know that at all and I keep that feeling for myself.

Tadinya gw mikir mau nge-post ini apa kaga,
but this is my blog, a part of my story written here.
Dan menurut gw sih ini wow banget loh hahaha
meskipun awalnya nervous gila2an...tapi akhirnya lega juga.
Legaaa banget.
Setelah gw ngomong itu, gw langsung setel lagu2 galau dan nangisss hahaha iya nangiss
ya sedih aja karena emang ini udah selesai..
Nah dengan ini gw bisa beranjak dari masa SMA gw deh.:))
 ditutup dengan lagu dari Endah and Rhesa ini ya.. *berasa penyiar radio*

I love you but it’s not so easy

To make you here with me

I wanna touch and hold you forever

But you’re still in my dream

And I can’t stand to wait your love is coming to my life

But I still have a time to break a silence

(ayooo tangannya melambaaii~  \o\ \o/ /o/ )

Reff:

When you love someone just be brave to say

That you want him to be with you

When you hold your love don’t ever let him go

Or you will loose your chance to make your dream come true

I used to hide and watch you from a distance

And i knew you realized

I was looking for a time to get closer

At least to say hello

And I can’t stand to wait your love is coming to my life

Repeat reff

I never thought that i’m so strong

I stuck on you and wait so long

But when love comes it can’t be wrong

Don’t ever give up, just try and try to get what you want

Cause love will find the way

20 things I'm good at

here we goo~

1) Beres2 ruangan. setiap ngga ada kerjaan atau bahkan lagi bete, kerjaan gw pasti beres2 ahaha.
2) Ngutekin pake tangan kiri dengan rapih
sebelumnya sih engga terlalu..tapi sejak liburan ini dan aktivitas pengangguran saya adalah kutekan, akhirnya jadi makin rapih wuhu.
3) Apal sama soundtrack film, anime, game.
kebanyakan playlist di hp gw penuh sama lagu2 soundtrack haha. Salah satu yang gw tau, Trans TV sering pake lagu-lagunya Legend of Mana, game PS1 jaman gw cilik.
4) Conversation about deep things? call me.
5) Menghemat! :3 
 hohoho tapi kalo soal makan kurang bisa sih gw :/ food is good \o/
6) Begadang
jaman2nya UAN, gw mampu bertahan sampe jam stengah 4 tanpa kopi dan bangun jam stengah 6, pernah juga gak tidur seharian (tapi itu pas libur sih)
7) Jadi anggota tim yang kontributif,
ceilah bahasanyaa. Tapi beneran, I will do my very best in my team.
8) Ngusulin hal2 random disaat yang random
9) Bikin bolcok (bola-bola coklat), 
hahaha yaa hasilnya enak lah pokoknya :9
10) Kasih tau opini
sejak gw sekolah di Stece dan tinggal di asrama sih ini dan baru sadar juga akhir2 ini hehe
11) Tau lagu2 klasik dan jadul, 
macam lagu-lagu khas Gramedia gitu hahaha
12) Patuh sama peraturan,
mungkin karena gw terbiasa di sekolah yang strict banget sama peraturan, jadi ga ambil pusing. Tapi kalo yang ringan-ringan gitu mah lewaat hahaha
13) Improve diri sendiri,
karena gw suka merenung gitu kali yaa ehehe
14) Bikin suara kentut dari telapak tangan
Yeah I am that professional.....
15) Betah nonton orchestra / drama musikal / art performance lainnya 
16) Picking a good stuff or preparing surprise for someone :)
17) Ngedengerin orang,
gw bukan tipe orang yang langsung bisa kasih solusi/saran tapi at least I can listen to them :) jgn panjang2 tapii ehehe
18) Mandang sesuatu dari sisi orang lain juga, 
everything happens for a reason kan ya..
19) Ngetik ala 10 jari
20) Memegang prinsip "yang waras yang ngalah.."

Ada bagusnya loh nulis 2 post belakangan ini, bisa sambil refleksi dan mungkin bisa sambil diperbaiki juga :)